Remember to leave your back behind

Embracing the reality of an unexpected ugly situation is not usually as easy as one may fathom. Some situations can be so devastating that one may think it’s the end. The truth is – you don’t welcome the end, the end welcomes you.

I would
want to believe that one of the most devastating things that can happen to one is losing someone you dearly care about. There is usually no particular way to deal with such situation. One has to heal whichever way they find most comforting. Sometimes in negativity, but better still, in the opposite.

Other people love to accommodate pity. This could be even worse. Pity is an illusion. There is certainly no gain in letting your devastation get the better part of you.

Wallowing in pity can seem comforting. It is easy. Practically it is like holding a loaf of bread, the weight does not matter. What matters would only depend on how long you hold it. If you hold it for a minute it’s not going to be a problem. If you hold it continuously for an hour, you may have an ache in your arm. If you hold it for a day, perhaps your arm may be numb or paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the bread never changes but the longer you hold it the heavier it becomes. That is exactly the same way pity accumulates.

One thing confuses me though. Some friends would clearly come around to show you how to cry…really? Others come to display sad and moody faces, reminding you every single second that you shouldn’t be doing anything else but cry your eyes out. Barely a handful of friends at that moment would remember the true meaning of ‘cheer’.

There is clearly a big difference between self pity and mourning. I feel 
particularly sad when I watch people mix the both in misconception. Some people may feel that when they don’t show how broken they are, then it implies they did not love the deceased enough. This may sound amusing though but it happens.

Some people are usually afraid of moving on, thinking that it is inappropriate to let go of the deceased and move on with their lives, so in that case they may be doing the deceased the honor of being stuck for the period of their mourning. Well, if the concept of mourning is truly what I think it is then I continue to mourn my loved ones who have long passed. I disagree that you ought to mourn the dead for some few months after they are buried and then you burn your mourning clothes to ashes and then begin to plan on how to move on. If you need to honor the dead, you protect their legacies. This could be their loved ones who are still alive, could be their beliefs, could be their properties, could be tied to anything but pity.

Death is a certainty. No one can avoid it. It comes when it may. That moment when you get the sad news, that is when you begin to plan to move on. That is how you move on, with your back behind and your front ahead.

I hope someone going through a similar situation reads this and gains strength.

Dedicated to Biodun Vincent Aghaonu. I hope you find the strength to leave your back behind my dear friend.